I did a Periscope yesterday morning, while sitting in the morning light with my Boston Terrier present. Every once in a while his snoring could be heard in the back ground. As I think about it that was very symbolic of most individuals being asleep, when it comes to being bullied, caring about victims of bullying or as to what to do about bullying themselves.
….still new at using an iPhone to record a Periscope, though I did get me a great working Arkon desk top tripod. It worked, though the morning light was a bit bright for the lens as I relaxed in my chair. Just being intuitive and making it happen.
You would think that it would be very obvious to you when bullying happens. We also think it would include evil people rushing up, shouting, berating and being ugly to someone they just love to see squirm and do it intentionally. But in reality, this dramatic scene only happens to a few…. maybe due to the age of the participants and the setting. Children and play ground come to mind. This kind of bullying is not appropriate, as is any type of bullying. And really no one should expect the child to just forget it or to “man up” or get a back bone…. bullying is just not right. Bullying is an act of violence towards a human being. In the case of a child, actual violence committed to their growth and development for both the victim and the bully. I say this as a registered nurse from my evidence-based graduate studies.
Now thinking about the last time you have been bullied, you might say, when?
In our pursuit to just get along and to tolerate our work place or home, we tend to ignore the fact that we have just been bullied. How the bullying made us feel about ourselves and our individual effort we put into our workplace or life – is put aside – but the stress and future stressor remains. Stress that can eat away at our health, our confidence, our self-worth, our relationships and eat at our satisfaction in life. The stress of bullying may become the last straw for an individual, who may choose to quit a passion or an opportunity for self-growth. Worse, a person may base a suicide decision upon the receiving of bullying as a truth they have allowed to defined them.
So yes, we can, out of the blue, be bullied and the bully benefit through their sheer enjoyment of our pain – for what ever motive they may have.
Before I name the 5 points that help us recognize being bullied and the 5 points of what to do about it…. I want to say we all have a choice when we are standing in the presence of the bully. We can consent or not consent to their action. Yes, we can imagine the consequences of not consenting and allow the bully their actions. The ultimate consequences could be to be out of a job, out of a relationship, out of our home and out of friendships. But really these would have happened anyway and after much stress – because the bully wants that for us. We can instead act by not consenting, by the way we answer back the bully, by inviting them into our world perception and by not entering theirs. We just don’t see their ultimate consequences as our own or where it is we are going. That the foundation for their bullying is news to each of us and is not a part of what we are about.
Number 1, The Bully tries to establish they are not our equal. They come to us in ‘superior’ mode and very justified by what ever actions or authority they feel they have. We as human beings are always equal. We came into this world naked and we will leave with our soul naked once again. We are always equal, regardless of if the bully is the owner of the work place, or more educated than ourselves or different from us somehow. Humans are equal. So you have the right to stand in that moment as an equal, regardless the excuse the bully hurls at you. You are beautiful, light, darkness, powerful and equal – hold on to that fact.
Number 2, The Bully is not there to “problem-solve”. We must recognize that fact. They may have a great story to tell, about how we are not recognizing their problem as they see it. The Bully may even say that we or what we do or are – that we are the problem. Where is the solving in this approach. It should be obvious to every person that if there is a problem, we as viable individuals will attempt to solve it. When a Bully comes to problem solve – the only solution to them is their laying the ground work for a termination – an end – which is their solution. So just as you stand there in front of the bully as an equal, you can redirect the bully back to realistic problem-solving. Looking at the problem they present from all angles and suggesting active solutions. This will either frustrate them to the point they leave (for a while) or they see you are not a fun victim and plan a more direct solution to their plan. Remember you will never change the Bully. They are set on their agenda. But we can change our view of the situation and problem, through actively being positive, professional and problem-solving. If our job or position has to disappear we will and must be very out in the open and public about our efforts of being positive and offering our efforts at problems-solving. Bullies hate their bullying to be public…. because once you find a new position to change too – they are left with the images that they created in the work place, which were very public and ridiculous. As for you it maybe the Universe telling you something better is out there waiting for you. The Universe supporting you and letting you know you are cool due to who you are and the way you handle yourself in the situation. Be a positive problem-solver…. it will show the bully up.
Number 3, The Bully will not be interactive during the bullying with you – they will dictate the moment. Since they are not your equal, problem-solving is obviously beyond you since you are the problem….. they will define and dictate the moment. Bullies enjoy this. The victim is right where they want them. Squirming, tied down with the fear created, unable to escape – the pure enjoyment of the Bully. What to do now? Do not consent. Observe the Bully, just look at them. Again give positive problem-solving suggestions, then smile back. You have nothing to loose (the bully has already decided anyway). You have your authority of being an equal Humanbeing. Be positive and problem-solve loudly and publicly. You are being interactive and not dictated too. The bully now, can not enjoy his or her orgasm!
Number 4, The Bully wants you to own their problem. The problem will remain, because their solution — you being mauled by bullying each day or even your termination will not solve the actual problem. The Bully’s solution will not be productive of a real solution. Why? Because the Bully is not owning their problem, but passing it off on to you. The problem now yours with no authority to solve it. As part of your problem-solving you can point out that the problem should be explored with the bully’s superiors, since that is where it comes from. You could include that you can let the upper managers know of the problem and provide a few solutions to ‘help’ the bully out. You just gave the bully back their problem…. if it were even a real problem. (You got that it was a imagined problem to use to talk to you and bully you anyway!) The bully will not be productive of a solution, a real sign, that bullying is their true goal when talking with you. Let the bully keep their problem, by only suggesting solutions, not that you will solve it for them.
Number 5, The Bully is the only one that benefits from the present talk with you. Meaning, no problems are solved. The communication is non-productive. The talk was emotional for you, but for the bully they smiled and enjoyed it. They will be back for more if they did enjoy it and bring back the same problem again and again. You are the problem, until they can not feast on you anymore.
The Periscope is here if you want to watch it: “5 Signs You Are Being Bullied… anywhere.”
Bullying is only a means to control a person and steal from them their well being. It can happen on the playground, in war, in religions, in personal opinions/belief, in the work place, in government, in relationships, while volunteering, while creating, while caring for others, while caring for yourself…. anywhere people are found and others want control of emotions for a negative reason. Bullying can happen at anytime, anywhere and be used by anyone – even people we assume know better – even those people we have consented to and place trust in – they can be bullies.
I will be doing another Periscope soon about the 5 Solutions to Bullies, Bullying, & the Bully. Briefly these are: 1. Do not own the bullying moment or the problem. 2. Just observe the Bully, quiet kills the moment. 3. Walk away from the moment, mentally and or physically. 4. Make it Public – Problem-solve in public with others. This takes away the benefits to the Bully. 5. Love yourself, regardless the outcome – it is ok to remain positive and in problem-solving mode at all times.
You do not have to hand over your power to another or consent to the act of a bully. Be you. Be equal. Be yourself. Don’t hide anymore. You do fit in. You are free.