Feel of a memory… Chapter 9
Chapter NINE to “Horus & His Companions – The Sun The Light And The Moon”
What is that? Yeah, the damn iPhone alarm. I squinted over at the table near the bed with the lamp still on for some reason.
Getting disentangled from the comforter, I push my self out of bed and headed for the closet to grab a towel and to the shower. I felt like I had not slept all night. My mouth felt like cotton or maybe dry as sand. I needed a glass of water. Where is that damn glass?
I went out to the kitchen. The golden glow of sunlight came through the window, filtered by the branches of the trees out in the backyard near the patio. The patio, had I cleared off the table out there from last night? I thought, I had seen Lucia then….
My head hurt slightly as I filled the glass with water and drank it down immediately.
I went back down the hallway to the bathroom, where I turned on the shower and placed the bath towel, I had been toting all over the house, on the counter near the sink. I also noticed I had been walking all around the house in the nude. Ugh, having just remembered I had been standing in front of the kitchen window that way. Well it is the backyard and there is the woods and a farm field out there too. Shit who cares if anyone saw me. I said that as I saw my self in the full length mirror by the shower door. Well at the least they would have enjoyed what they saw, I felt. Then I stood there. Who was that looking back at me?
Getting into the shower with the steam rolling out the glass door as I opened it, I settled myself standing in front of the torrent of warm water coming from the shower faucet.
The water was warm on my skin from head to toe. My mind felt numb, oddly quiet with no thoughts. I felt, as I lathered my skin with the sponge and bar of soap, that I had nothing to think about. I was quiet. Peaceful, but an odd unsettled sort of peace. I put down my sponge and soap, then leaned my head onto my forearms folded over each other on the wall below the shower head, allowing the water to run down my back and bottom. What had I forgotten? I felt I was forgetting something. Something very important. I felt I should choose to remember, something. What was it? I began to do slow breaths using my nose then mouth inhaling and exhaling. My mind was still a blank. I was now struggling to fight this numbness.
I saw a small flash of orange light sparkle off to the right of me. I had my eyes closed. Opening them I stared straight ahead at the tile in front of my nose. Vaguely I felt a familiarity from seeing this flash of orange light. Why? I did not feel a migraine coming on. I felt I needed to accept that it had happened. Then it happened again. With my eyes wide open and now in my visual field. Beautiful orange… beautiful and warm. Caring, love… on purpose for me.
Oh My God.
I felt warm love filling the center of my chest. I felt weak in my knees. I had to get out of this warm water and sit down.
I pushed the glass door open without turning off the water. I was afraid I would end up on the shower floor. Time to grab the towel and get to the edge of the bed. I made it out and partially on to the edge of the bed when my legs stopped working. I leaned on the bed and pulled my self onto it. I have got to get myself together. I must get a hold of Lucia. This is about her… this is about me…. Brad!?
I for a moment, I felt the gravel under my feet once again, but I was blind to anything around me. Then I was back here again. I felt locked into this room. This place. Where was the fresh cool air? I lay there on the bed. The numbness of my mind was being pushed back, but not by my efforts alone. “Brad help me.” I mouthed the words with no sound to them.
I felt a warmth pass over me and then through me. My legs stopped the shaking I had been doing just to stay on the bed where I was. I felt stronger and very warm. Like a heat flash. I was able to push my self up on the bed and turn over, resting and looking up at the ceiling.
I remembered I must listen by feeling. I must ask. And I did. I lay there feeling all I could feel around me, being so new to this. It was hard, but I could feel the warmth turn slowly into reassurance. It was urgent, this feeling, like it came from outside of me and was filling my chest. I knew it was him. It was him, helping me. I was recovering I reasoned from some sort of shock. The dream, came back to me in bits of sensations. The frustrating part was I had no images that I could remember. I had feelings. I felt the security of being known and knowing. I clung to that feeling. As I lay there.
After about 20 minutes I was my self again. I had a plan too. I had to see Lucia. I had remembered enough to tell her, and not seem crazy. I was sure as I focused and did the asking I had been encouraged to do – that more would come to me by the time I could see her in person. I was also strong enough to make sense and do some driving too. Now where were my jeans….
Dressed and having remembered to shut the shower off, I did not feel it was too early to give Lucia a call.
“Lucia, hey, I need to see you here shortly, are you available?” I said, into my cell phone.
“Gemma, is there something wrong?” Lucia said. Yes, I had gotten her immediate attention from the sound of it.
“No, not wrong, more like very right. I have somethings I need to tell you.” I said, not wanting to get too detailed and scare her off, this early in the morning, anyway.
“Sure, my sister is off with her daughter on Spring Break visiting friends for the week. I am taking a few days off too, to work in the garden. When did you plan to be here?” Lucia said, I heard dishes being put away in the background noise of her place.
“I want to come there now, will you be ready? Maybe eat at the place along the lake there, some breakfast.” I said, putting out bait, Lucia could be a bit cagey. Why in the world did I think that? Oh, then I realized, it was a part of that new continuous stream of feelings. That I was still getting used to. Yes, come to think about it she is cagey. But she has good reason, this world is a dangerous place. Especially if it has something on you, like unusual information.
“I am heading out to the truck now. So grab something warm, since we may go for a walk along the lake too.” I said, I knew she loved the lake. I did too for that matter this time of morning.
“Yes, it is a bit chilly out. OK. I’ll watch for you then, maybe in about a half hour?” Lucia said, she sounded interested and lighthearted, good I need that opening.
“On my way now. See you soon.” I said, slipping the cell phone into my jean’s pocket.
Then I felt at that moment, I must take sometime to pick out something appropriate for the weather, for the chill that would be along the lake. That was weird. Like micromanagement involving dressing. I stood at my closet looking over my clothes, I picked an orange windbreaker, since I figured I had on a long sleeved cotton shirt. Why was I so focused on a jacket? Well it wouldn’t hurt to follow the advice would it?
Then I pulled out the cell phone again, “Lucia?” I said, when she picked up. “Hey, I am gonna wear a windbreaker, maybe some rain today you know. Just wanted to make sure you were dressed for the walk. The lake is beautiful this time of morning.”
Lucia said, “Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Windbreaker. Yes, I have one of those. Layering will work then. Ok. Just get here, the sun is coming up. I want to get some pictures too.” Great, she sounded happy. That is a hard thing for her to do, I have found.
In the truck, I laid out my cell phone in the coffee holder beside me. Quickly starting up the truck to get the heater going. The truck would be warm soon and all warmed up by the time I got there, I thought.
The road was wet, so I slowed down. Few people out this early, still a bit dark in the trees. Then I saw the lake water glisten as it picked up the horizon clouds’ slightly reflecting the beginnings of the rising sun. I was more aware of light and colors around me, I felt. I could feel it and maybe I was actually sharing it… with someone right then who was paying attention to my life here too. Or I could be making it all up. “OK.” I said out loud. “Doubts?” I was ok with thinking, but over thinking did not help what it was I would need to communicate to Lucia. She needed what I had to say. It all was too real to just dissect like that. It was life to me now. I felt again the reassurance in the center of my chest… I would not be doing and feeling that on my own, I knew for sure… reassuring my self that way and in that spot within my heart.
The lake seemed to stretch on and on as I drove. Like it was taking longer to get to where I wanted to go, in order to get to what I wanted to say.
Then her drive way appeared, I slowed even more and swung in. The truck gave a hard bump on the gravel of the lane up to her place. I saw her in a blue windbreaker that fell below her waist, covering her slight hips. She had a bag in her hands, not a purse. Apparently, I hoped that bag had some fresh coffee in it.
“Lucia, hope that is coffee?” I said, as she opened the door of the truck and climbed in with her floral canvas bag in her right hand.
“Yes, I thought if we went walking first, that breakfast would be a way off and I should bring something for the walk.” Lucia said, smiling broadly, she appeared so small almost teen like. The days off must be good for her. “I have some coffee with cream and sugar. Got a few blueberry muffins too. A banana for each of us. That should hold us for a while, before breakfast.”
“So which entrance do you want to start the walk, at the north or south end of the lake?” I said, as I swung the truck around in the drive way and back out to the road.
“North end, because of the trees hanging out over the lake. The sun would be great there this morning.” Lucia said, smiling again. The coffee I hoped she would get out soon.
I headed up the road to the North Trail on Whatcom Lake.
I parked the truck, then set the brake. With the travel mug of coffee in hand she and I walked over to the bench to sit and eat a muffin.
“The sun is coming up, lets head out, so I can catch some shots as it comes up.” Lucia said, stuffing the last bit of her muffin in her mouth. I was a bit more casual at eating my muffin, having taken larger bites of it with sips of the hot coffee. The morning was pure heaven to me at this point. I could feel it.
Lucia was quiet. Rushing ahead of me up the trail. Then leaning against a tree to get the best shot, she took it with her cell phone, then her digital camera. She was in her element I felt, just then. Not photography, but nature and along water. I stood there feeling I belonged in nature too. I should do this more often I thought.
Lucia still, had not said a word to me and it was going on about 10 minutes up the trail, with frequent stops to photograph the rising morning sun and the reflection of it in the waters along the lake. There was a periodic chilly breeze that would grab at her hair as she tried to keep it out of the shots with her free hand. I walked closer to her, keeping up with her working focus. Soon I knew I had to find a place to stop, that felt right, where we could go off the beaten path. To say in private what it was I knew up to that point. The 10 minutes had given me some intense time to feel and prepare. This was both odd and familiar to me, this internal feel of conversation going on within me. I hoped it would never end. But I also had a sense I had to be careful of all the meanings I had been pulling from it. Careful, ok, I thought.
“Lucia, hey, let’s stop for a bit. The sun is up now, by the looks of it. We need to sit a while. I gotta talk to you.” I said, I turned up what looked like a pine needle covered path. It was steep at one point, just dirt. Then ended in a wide portion covered in pine needles making for a nice spot to sit higher up than the main path below. It felt protected from the chill of the wind and afforded a nice view of the lake.
“What happened to you Gemma, since the last I saw you?” Lucia said, as she finally made it to the same spot and sat down. “You aren’t necessarily the hiking type!” Lucia saying that with a smile.
“Well I don’t know where to begin. I am also not the mystic type either, but I guess people change. I am hiking now and enjoying it. Must be the good coffee and the muffin.” I said, I watched her to see where I could begin in my story.
Lucia looked relaxed having placed her camera and iphone next to her on top of the bag. She pulled out the bananas and offered one to me.
“I had a dream last night, that was pretty real. Really made a change in me, Lucia.” I said.
“I have dreams too, off and on, but few I remember in detail of recent.” Lucia said, looking out over the lake.
“This whole thing is so different for me. But I need to tell you about it. Maybe it will help you too.” I said.
Lucia, drew in a breath. “Ok, tell me about it, as much as you can remember, Gemma.” Lucia said.
The scent of pine needles was intoxicating at this point. Why? I thought. I focused. What would I say to not make her spooked off or sad?
“I will cut to the main points. If that is ok with you. I feel if I just tell you those, I will remember more of what I saw.” I said, preparing her.
“You must have been impressed. Did you see someone in your dream?” Lucia asked. Now looking directly at me.
“Yes, there was someone. I feel I must tell you a few names first, to make it real.” I said, clearing my throat of the nerves. “The two people who are the closest to you are Paul and Alec, I was told.”
Instantly her eyes became misty. Her breathing slowed to a stop.
“Lucia, take a breath, will you?” I said, leaning forward and grabbed her shoulder where she sat.
“Yes, ok. Who told you this, Gemma?” Lucia said, talking to me as if I had spoken to someone who had a message for her and not about something from a dream.
I now had to tell her every detail. Without telling me, I felt her longing… the same longing I felt there on that road in my dream.
“It was Brad, he told me to remember, to tell you, because it would give you strength.” I said, now my neck and shoulder where the sigils were, were hot in a good way, like on a sunny day when the sun is enjoyed for the first time in a long time.
In a quiet voice, almost a whisper, Lucia asked. “Did you see Brad, when he told you this? Could you see Alec and Paul?”
“Yes, I saw Brad. I am very certain it was him, if that is what you are asking.” I said.
“What about Alec and Paul?” Lucia said, I was seeing her trying to contain the emotions she was feeling, so she could continue to talk to me.
“No, I did not see Alec or Paul.” I added, “I am sorry.”
“Ok. Yes, it does help me. Makes me feel not so crazy. Since I had not told you the name of Alec’s companion… you would not have known that. Thank you for this message.” Lucia said, but it appeared that the names, instead of encouraging her had the opposite effect. Why?
“Lucia, what I have to tell you. What I have to tell you, is not met to make you sad. It is not met to make me some sort of divine messenger either. I am very new at my experience, this knowing. You are much more familiar with all of this. I do not say this to hurt you, but to confirm as I was told that things will be ok. That they are working on things. That you will go home.” I said, then continued, trying to impress her with reassurance. “I was on a gravel road. The one outside Adeer. I was actually standing there, with Brad meeting me there.”
Lucia, then, placed her hands over her face. She began rubbing her eyes. I was worried what this met. I did not know what to do at this point. Nothing else seemed to matter right then. I felt in my chest a calm. Then a sense that a space was being created for this calm – between her and I. Calm enough, for me to continue our necessary conversation, right there where we were.
I decided to go about the telling of the dream in more of a narrative. Maybe she would be able to experience it as I had. Maybe it would not hurt so much… as it appeared to be doing right now to her. “I was very tired after our meeting last night. I was trying to read a book, when I fell to sleep. But, it really wasn’t sleep. I ended up standing on a gravel road. I could feel everything from the gravel under my feet to the clothing I was wearing. It was as if I was moving outward from the what I could see on me, to what was all around me. The odd thing was, I did not walk around, I just looked. It was all so beautiful, the lake, the woods, the sky and the breeze.” I looked at her and was glad to find her calm and looking at me.
Lucia said, “When did Brad show up?”
“He came up behind me. He was in a good mood. When he first started talking to me. But, as he said we did not have much time. At first I did not understand that.” I said, then felt, Lucia needed to say something.
“They are very specific, because it takes a whole lot of energy to make a dream lucid for you. You actually saw his face then?” Lucia said, she appeared torn between grief and curiosity.
“Yes, I did. Haven’t you seen Alec’s face in your dreams?” I said, now I was getting something to think about from her.
“No, not really. I am thinking because he is so much in control of my situation right now, that it is hard to step back. We feel as one usually. But I have seen his hair and parts of his body. That is enough for now. His eyes I believe are golden green, but can be blue depending upon what he is doing at the time. Magick will change things. It is the energy.” Lucia said, I felt she wanted for me to continue. That was a very good thing, I felt, I think Brad was telling me too the same thing.
“Brad, told me to tell you the names of your companions. That he and they were coming soon. It felt so familiar. The road and that place. He told me it was the place he would come to get away for a while with me to walk and talk. It was beautiful. I also found I had a horse, I didn’t know that, but it seemed so natural.” I said. I even felt I missed that horse too at that moment. Maybe that was Brad again, I don’t know.
“Yes, I have been on that road too with Alec. Seems like a place the guys we know like to go and hide from responsibilities for a while. It is refreshing there. Maybe it is the energy of the place. It has a lot of water around it. Close to home. I know what Paul looks like. He is the one who gave me the memories I have. The ones I remember from my childhood. I remember him, since these are basically his memories. I was told I needed them to prepare me for, now and what I will be doing. I feel Paul through Alec and his sigils. Yes, I have a horse too. I also have a wonderful Familiar, who misses me.” Lucia said, looking off over the lake from where we sat. She must be feeling Alec.
“Do you feel Alec and Paul? Like all the time. Is it like a feeling in your chest?” I asked, off topic, but very much something I needed to know right then.
“I feel something constantly. It all depends on how tired I am or how distracted I am at work. Yes, it is in my chest, my abdomen, my throat and my head.” Lucia said, smiling slightly.
“Brad, was able to show me something about what you had told me. The time I first met him.” I felt I needed to tell her, but did not go into the more sensual details of what he did show me.
“I am sure he made it a point to show you your first sexual encounter too. That is very natural for Aquaeous and especially for a head mating male. I am so happy for you if he did. I am hoping the whole thing made sense.” Lucia said, looking directly at me. I could feel her attempting to sense what it was I was feeling right then as she asked her question.
“Brad did show me. I could hear and sense everything. I am quite different from what I am now, I saw. I also understand more what your part is in all this and why. You are a ruler of some kind. I am one too and I have a Dad and Brother apparently. It is odd how I can talk and watch, but the two perspectives are disconnected from the sharing of information. Like I am two different people, but then feeling as the same person in the dream.” I said, like I was attempting to sum it up for myself.
“I find that too. I am told when I go back I will have my memories. That will make it a whole lot easier to figure all of this out. I want my memories back as soon as possible. There is so much work to do there. I feel so many things coming from there, with what Alec shares with me.” Lucia said, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. It looked like she was attempting to remain calm.
“Yeah, the images he shared were graphic, but I feel I remember them. That they really happened. Makes me want to get back there. I kind of know what you must feel like, except for the having to wait for so long part.” I said, feeling sympathy for her. I was starting to have a tough time too of it, not seeing Brad since last night.
“There will be a whole lot to catch up on, with or without memories. I have had a recent conversation about why I am still here… waiting. It boils down to several things. Alec tells me it is all about me landing there intact. That I must be ready to take on my role, what ever that is, as myself around the people there. That is all about timing, synchronicity. Next, he feels or has felt, I would be disturbed to be leaving my sister and my niece behind here. He tells me he has plans for that, so I will not be going through a grieving process over that. So it is all about me not falling apart there, once I am there. He wants what he calls a gentle landing for me back in our world.” Lucia said, in a tone of one coming to grips with something she had to understand, but it was very difficult.
I said, “I miss Brad. It is crazy, because I feel him in my chest, like an on going conversation of emotions. I find most of it hard to read. But I miss him. I will have to deal with it, somehow.”
Lucia said, “I know what you mean. I feel I know enough. But then things can become confusing and I must pick up the pieces and just trust Alec for the rest. He has told me a rule to help in that situation. To believe about fifty percent of all I think I hear or know. The spell and the sigils work that way, it is magick. Real versus unreal… so the fifty percent thing. He said, ‘If it doesn’t make sense then question it. Compare it to what I already know as true.’ That approach has cut down on the roller coaster ride I was on, for a very long time. I am calmer now. I have free will. I also know it is up to me to question and clarify what I believe I know.”
I looked at her. I was listening to what I was feeling, I felt a sense of agreement. That it was important. I shook my head slowly, to show Lucia I had heard her.
A gush of wind hit where we were. The skies ahead of us did not look so good right then.
“WOW, what was that?” I said.
“Maybe it is the rain you talked about?” Lucia said, then grabbing her bag stood up from where she was. She then stumbled forward with the next gush of wind. I grabbed her arm to steady her.
“Hey, maybe we should go back to the truck. This looks serious.” I said, still with Lucia in tow by her arm, while she steadied her bag, with the last of our coffee in it.
I got us down the incline back to the path. The lake was wild at this point. The wind was lashing the water and causing a spray to come up as high as the path where we were. I felt two things, first we had to move ahead, because going back to the truck was out of the question. The path was flooded behind us. Then this weather was not like any I had ever seen here. I had lived in Hawaii during typhoons, the lake looked like that and driven even harder.
“Lucia, we will move ahead and find a place that goes higher up and not so muddy. Then we can circle back around to the truck on higher ground.” I said, grabbing her thin arm, pulling her close to me. This felt oddly familiar too. Like we had done this many times before…. maybe we had. She did not appear worried, I was glad for that. She had tucked her bag under her arm to hang on to my arm with both hands. She gave me a squeeze with that hand. It felt reassuring. Guess this was all part of the morning adventure.
Finally, I saw another narrow cut to our left along the path. It led upward along a creek that was crazy with water flowing down it off the incline and into the lake below. It was not so slippery and it had branches of young pine trees to hang on to along it. I began to grab a branch pulling us upward on the path, while hanging on to Lucia. We were soaked and cold. Shivering. The strength I could tell was waning on Lucia. I had to keep moving upward. There must be somewhere we could take shelter… soon.
The path came to some tall basalt stone walls on either side of it. I thought this would be a good place to stop, if it did not look like it was flooding between these walls. Just to ride out the worse. I pulled Lucia around the corner as the walls became narrow on that portion of this thin path. The sun shown brightly here, the rain was but a mist. Almost a fog or blue fog right above us. But at least it was warmer here. Lucia needed that with all the shaking from the cold she was doing. I kept pushing single file through this narrow opening. We came out on the other side of this basalt rock fold into some underbrush. The path had ended. Now we had to push through some tall dry undergrowth. I could see the tops of green leafy trees ahead. The blue fog hung higher over us, but was clearing as we moved farther ahead.
“I look a mess. But at least we still have the coffee and a few muffins to last us.” Lucia said. We stopped right out side the wall of the most scratchiest of brush I had had the pleasure of walking through I thought.
“Now the question is and using the sun, where the heck are we? Where is the truck?” I said, sensing this somehow did not look right. Or was I just confused and turned around. I was not exactly at my best with directions out in the wild. I was better in the city or on a freeway.
I had to get Lucia out of those clothes and get her dry, she was still shivering. So I began to strip off my clothes and motioned to her to do the same. We laid out our clothing on the warm flat rocks we were now standing on at the edge of a lush green deciduous forest of oak and birch. Very odd I thought, no pine in any of it. But I had other things to think about, like getting us back to normal. Then back to the truck.
Both of us stretched our tired nude bodies out onto the warm gray stone. I was so tired. Tireder than I had been in a long time. It felt good to be there though, to rest. To be with her alone. To talk with no worries. No worries… where did that come from. Then I noticed the inner conversation had ended that I had been feeling so strongly in my chest. What was up with that. I lay there thinking and feeling warm.
“Gemma, do you get the feeling we have been here before?” Lucia said, as she sat up pulling her knees up under her chin. She had pulled the wet scrunchie out of her long blond hair letting it lay out to dry on her back. She looked beautiful.
“What do you mean? Have we been here before? I have never been anywhere with you except for today and at the house on my patio.” I said, looking at her, as what she said dawned on me.
I said, “Do you still feel the conversation in your head or chest Lucia?”
Lucia turned her head side ways slightly as if to sense or feel her way through that question. “No, I feel calm and quiet. I have asked Alec a question, but no answer… yet. I feel like I did when a long time ago I had asked him to be quiet, so I could see if he were real and not my wishful thinking. He is just not there. But I trust he is connected. If not, he will be roaring back into my head any minute now to find out what in the world is going on.” she said.
I said what I sensed just then… “I don’t think we are anywhere near the truck or where we were. Once our clothes are dry and we are warm and have eaten something… we will need to find out where we are, by finding someone near here to ask directions of. But I think we will be cautious about it.”
“Why?” Lucia said, calmly.
“Because, it doesn’t feel like Whatcom lake here. This all has the feel of a memory. We aren’t in trouble yet. But we could be fast, if we are not careful.” I said. “We need to rest and get somewhere before dark.”