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Recently I came upon personally, a situation.
Regardless, what I tried to do I could not solve the problem. The problem was solved by outside parties, that fortunately for me, were supportive of my continued existence within that work environment. I had in the past though, been annihilated from an environment as a person and a professional, due to the whim of a new authority figure. Both situations were governed by policy and procedure, but the outcome came with the use of these, purely dependent upon the interpretation of these policies in my situation. Meaning dependent upon the intentions of those making the ‘final’ decision as to my fate.
I can say these situations do not happen often due to my meticulous effort to avoid such situations and conflict. Due to my professionalism and my knowledge I have had a pleasant work history. It isn’t until there is a change in leadership that things can become challenging, because now there is a change in leadership intentions. People can be peculiar when they gain power and are without the intention of the best interests for the team they are now suddenly in control of.
Why am I going on and on about this?
I had the opportunity to recover in an odd way from this latest brush with poor intentions of another humanbeing. I also had to revisit the emotions and fears from the past, that raised up again while dealing with what looked like to me, again, a similar experience and dreaded similar outcome — that I would have to act upon, with a change in employment.
I also found out I had not healed from the first time around. I had not healed in many ways. What I mean is that I still don’t trust people to have the best of intentions. I question my self when these situations arise. My health and self worth can be affected. There is a loss of creativity and self confidence, which can last long after the situation has resolved — one way or another.
How can I heal?
I want to start out by giving some research references. It was hard to find information, but once I put in the right words to describe what I had found, the information came. I am hopeful that this look at this topic will be helpful to others dealing with similar situations. Again, what do I mean? When a person, another humanbeing hates you and hopes the worse for you. How can you gain healing, how do you release your self from this poisonous view point of another… who really has no reason to hate you or anyone?
Something that is known about hate from a brief literature review. You can download the PDFs for these articles. I just wanted to place something here, before I share what I found to heal myself with:
Philosophers have offered many influential definitions of hatred. As Royzman et al. (2005) notes, Descartes viewed hate as the awareness that something is bad, combined with an urge to withdraw from it, whilst Spinoza defined hate as a type of pain that is due to an external cause. It is also well known that, in classical psychoanalysis, Freud defined hate as an ego state that wants to destroy the source of its unhappiness and suffering. More recently, the Penguin Dictionary of Psychology defined hate as a deep, enduring, intense emotion expressing animosity, anger, and hostility towards a person, group, or object (see Reber 2001). What is it like to be a god? | PDF: http://www.scielo.org.za/pdf/vee/v33n1/15.pdf
…five fundamental claims: 1. Hate is very closely related psychologically to love. 2. Hate is neither the opposite of love nor the absence of love. 3. Hate, like love, has its origins in stories that characterize the target of the emotion. 4. Hate, like love, can be characterized by a triangular structure generated by these stories. 5. Hate is a major precursor of many terrorist acts, massacres, and genocides.
Understanding and Combating Hate. | Request PDF. Available from: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/232551149_Understanding_and_Combating_Hate
We have all felt the pain of being hated. Some individuals can handle such readily. I discussed this with a colleague recently who basically said, “I would just punch them in the face and tell them to get over it.” While that may work out in a bar fight, before the police arrive. That does not work well in a work environment, politics, religion nor within relationships. Even if my colleague told me yes it would.
Hate starts out one sided. Hate blindsides the one being hated. Hate can trigger violence. At the least hate can trigger non-creativity and non-productivity. The one hating feels in control and the authority, they may well be the authority, but that does not make it right. I also believe hate is misunderstood, as to what it is and where it comes from. As you can see from the two articles I place here for you, where and what hate is, is debated. But we all have dealt with hate, regardless how strong or how weak we perceive ourselves in this life time.
I am not writing about handling hate in the world. I leave that can of worms for others. What hate causes is sad and unnecessary.
I found out something about myself. It may be I am opening a can of worms here. But I am hopeful that it helps you and your wellness.
I had for years said, I do not have the energy or the time to waste on hate. With that I would not allow myself to express hate toward anything. I also would avoid at all costs situations that could become hateful. I avoided conflict of any kind, because it was hurtful and more than likely filled with uncontrolled hate.
What I found is to avoid hate, I was always watchful for it… meaning I was actually fearful and living in fear. Living in constant preparation for intimidating situations. I was actually accepting I was and would be always a victim of hate and people who felt it was ok, possibly their duty to control and hate me with their intentions.
That is a powerful observation. Very sad.
Finally a situation came, the last straw, to break this hate filled camel’s back.
A person who was or thought they were, a part of those in the know, decided from one meeting with me to hate me. That I was not good enough for the position I had been hired for. I was not the right flavor. This individual hated me and let me know. They could hate because of their position and assumed authority over my situation. They would tell me so. They were just waiting for me the object of their hate, their annoyance to be removed. They also let me know they would enjoy it too. That I knew nothing. I was inappropriate. I had triggered this hate in my ignorance as to their NEED to micro-managing every detail of the small department I had been assigned to — by making a suggestion. A suggestion I was suppose to make as part of my job position.
I examined myself. I went over again, what I had said or done. How could I solve this on my own. But with each action to avoid conflict the hater tightened the screws. I began to doubt myself. Old inferiority tapes began to play in my head.
Fortunately for me, my manager, who had hired me was alerted. She became alerted by the feedback she received from the hater, which did not jive with what she knew about me and my work.
The manager offered a solution and asked my permission to do, send me somewhere else in the department to finish my orientation. So I am somewhere else. The hater will be moving on to another position, as I transition to my new position. The hate will end. This did not happen so nicely the last time I had been confronted with someone, out of this world unreasonable, about me personally.
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NOW the ODD part… where my healing began.
I had sworn to never hate, anyone or anything.
I guess because I was in fear. That I did not want to cause the same fear in other beings or humans.
I am a facilitator. That is how I have taught others and that is my approach to life. Everything has a chance, everything has a natural place to be…
Hate just did not fit in.
Now if we look back up to the sample of articles on “hate” we see that hate is a normal emotion. That hate becomes a problem when it is nurtured, not when it is expressed. Nurturing hate makes hate a problem.
I did not know this.
It wasn’t until a very close friend asked me about my situation, that I saw hate as a tool for wellness.
OH you may be confused now.
But you should not be.
It is ok to hate. In the moment. To strongly dislike something. Because you are identifying many things, many fears, many solutions, what works and what does not… that it is all ok to be out on the table. That is when solutions can be found, once the pain of sadness, separation, inaccessibility, unacceptable, unreachable, failure and more are exposed. The stab in to the heart, that others and situations bring to us.
My friend said, they pleaded with me to say, “I hate this hater.”
My friend allowed me to hate the hater. I could say, “I hate ‘…’.”
I felt tearful stress leave my body, I was able to strongly dislike, to emotionally hate, to separate myself from being responsible for this other humanbeing’s hate for me!
I could hate.
But I did not nurture it. I let it go. I had that right to do that too. And I could and did.
I grew as a person, I was no longer a victim or a child afraid.
I could dislike something or someone that strongly and be RIGHT in my feelings.
I hated this person.
Then when I had to deal with this hater again, they had no power over me. I guess it was because I had hated them more and I had a reason to do so… the fear of their hate toward me was gone.
I was now their equal, I could make my own decisions.
Now it did help that my manager was supportive of me where I was in my orientation and that felt me capable of my work. Of course that helped.
But now I had a valuable tool, I could hate… then release it. RELEASE all of it and the fears that apparently bound me too.
So there is Love and Hate.
I have also learned about Love too. That it is ok to be lost in LOVE. That I was in control, that it was natural. That I don’t have to over think it either to be in Love. Hate is now the same way.
Emotions and their release are tools to use in maintaining Wellbeing and Balance in life. These emotions are all valid. These emotions make us all on a level playing field. These emotions make each of us equals in life. Just like birth and then death, equal.
But the important thing unlike this hater, I did not nurture hate — I used it as a powerful tool.
It was so odd to be free. With my simple intentional decision to show disagreement with the hater by hating them back. But I could. I was now their equal, they having no more control over me. I did not have to acknowledge any thing this hater did as valid. I just hated them (naturally) and the situation they had intentionally created with hate. I could hate that.
The hate, as well as the fear left. The light and sun shown upon me as it always did, and when night came my mind was clear, knowing it was not my fault that they hated me. I could hate them back. I took back my life. I would not respond to them anymore in fear. They could hate, because that is what they wanted and what defined them. I could hate them and the situation, because I was their equal. The DIFFERENCE was I would not nurture this hate, I would let it go, I used the energy from my hate to free my self from their’s.
Did I have to punch anyone or be arrested for causing harm? No.
I was therapeutic in my hate, my strong emotional response to the situation the hater created. I was now free. I was equal. There was no need for second guessing myself.
I am still playing out this work situation, but I am calm and I feel Wellbeing. I can sleep at night. I am even excited to see how this turns out, what opportunities are brought to me.
I smile now. I am equal. I have ‘pushed’ back at them with an equal amount of hate. I am free from their hate. I have and will continue to use the energy generated by this situation for my own good and creativity. I can also sleep at night, still.
Odd way to solve a problem which has haunted me for years. If I am ever asked I will honestly say that I hate this or that and why… then facilitate for a solution. Because I have the right not to like something. I can respond as an equal to anyone and any situation.
I hope this helps you heal, and heals you to survive and maybe helps you be released from the hate.
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